literature

THE DEMISE OF THE FIVE METERS.

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Literature Text

   It all started when our hyphen-happy protagonist, Prussia, woke up in a Dirty Mong. It was the eighth time it had happened. Feeling abnormally angered, Prussia deflowered a dull pencil, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). In a tragically predictable turn of events, he realized that his beloved Five meters was missing!  Immediately he called his former, Austria. Prussia had known Austria for (plus or minus) 550,000 years, the majority of which were saucy  ones.  Austria was unique. He was clever though sometimes a little... insensitive. Prussia called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

   Austria picked up to a very unctuous Prussia. Austria calmly assured him that most Indonesian devil cats shudder before mating, yet South American hissing sloths usually flamboyantly cringe *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Prussia.  Why was Austria trying to distract Prussia?  Because he had snuck out from Prussia's with the Five meters only four days prior.  It was a highly tasty Five meters... how could he resist?

   It didn't take long before Prussia got back to the subject at hand: his Five meters. Austria cringed. Relunctantly, Austria invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Five meters. Prussia grabbed his giraffe and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Austria realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the Five meters and he had to do it skillfully. He figured that if Prussia took the time machine, he had take at least six minutes before Prussia would get there.  But if he took the Big bird?  Then Austria would be utterly screwed.

   Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Austria was interrupted by ten oafish Mochimericas that were lured by his Five meters. Austria shuddered; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling worried, he carefully reached for his banana and randomly hit every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the disease-infested jungle, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief.  That's when he heard the Big bird rolling up.  It was Prussia.

----o0o----

   As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Big Lots to pick up a 12-pack of ripened avocados, so he knew he was running late.  With a calculated leap, Prussia was out of the Big bird and went scandalously jaunting toward Austria's front door.  Meanwhile inside,  Austria was panicking.  Not thinking, he tossed the Five meters into a box of carrots and then slid the box behind his George Foreman grill. Austria was worried but at least the Five meters was concealed.  The doorbell rang.

   'Come in,' Austria quietly purred.  With a heroic push, Prussia opened the door.  'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some clueless rationality-deprived retard in a neighborhood-terrorizing crotch rocket,' he lied.  'It's fine,' Austria assured him. Prussia took a seat mysteriously distant from where Austria had hidden the Five meters. Austria shuddered trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness.  'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted.  But Prussia was distracted. Like a drunken sailor at happy hour, Austria noticed a insensitive look on Prussia's face. Prussia slowly opened his mouth to speak.

   '...What's that smell?'

   Austria felt a stabbing pain in his prostate when Prussia asked this.  In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the Five meters right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what?  I don't smell anything..!'  A lie.  A annoying look started to form on Prussia's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's gerbils from when she used to have pet disease-carrying chipmunks.  She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Prussia nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Austria could react, Prussia aimlessly lunged toward the box and opened it.  The Five meters was plainly in view.

   Prussia stared at Austria for what what must've been three hours. Giggling like schoolgirl, Austria groped hastily in Prussia's direction, clearly desperate. Prussia grabbed the Five meters and bolted for the door.  It was locked. Austria let out a striking chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Prussia,' he rebuked. Austria always had been a little oafish, so Prussia knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Austria did something crazy, like... start chucking Bits of cheese at him or something. Unaware of the bleakness of existence, he gripped his Five meters tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

   Austria looked on, blankly. 'What the hell?  That seemed excessive.  The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Prussia. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame three days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Prussia. 'Oh.  You ..okay?' Still silence. Austria walked over to the window and looked down. Prussia was gone.

----o0o----

   Just yonder, Prussia was struggling to make his way through the thick forest behind Austria's place. Prussia had severely hurt his prostate during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength.  Another pack of feral Mochimericas suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Five meters.  One by one they latched on to Prussia.  Already weakened from his injury, Prussia yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed.  The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Mochimericas running off with his Five meters.

   About nine hours later, Prussia awoke, his kidney throbbing.  It was dark and Prussia did not know where he was.  Deep in the uninhabited bush, Prussia was abnormally lost. Before anyone could take off their pants, he remembered that his Five meters was taken by the Mochimericas. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life.  That's when, to his horror, a enormous Mochimerica emerged from the swamp.  It was the alpha Mochimerica. Prussia opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the Mochimerica sunk its teeth into his man chest. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Prussia's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.

   Less than four miles away, Austria was entombed by anguish over the loss of the Five meters.  'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened ripened avocado.  With a apt thrust, he buried it deeply into his armpit.  As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Prussia... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him.  But he would die alone that day.  All that remained was the Five meters that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise.  And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant Mochimericas, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come.  Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead.  So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(

LOLz!!1
HORRIBLE MOCHIMERICA D:<

YOU RUINED MY LOVE STORY.

LOL PROSTATES.


I MADE THIS HERE : [link]


OHOHOHO. I LOL'D SO HARD.


NOT REALLY MINE I SUPPOSE.
© 2010 - 2024 Scholinobluisamorous
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Wafflepunk's avatar
FFF. SRSLY I DONT EVEN WANT TO KNOW WHAT A 5 METERS IS.
BUT I THINK I ALREADY DO :iconteheplz: